Can't cows run fast!
You must remember Dave and Agnes? Dave was the guy with the 'braces', remember now? Great. Well Dave is a photographer and he can often be found flashing in the most unlikely places. But that's another story for another day.
Dave was recently looking for the perfect sunset photograph. He imagined the shot, a derelict farm house on the horizon and as the sun descends the irregular silhouette of the part collapsed building becomes crisp and sharp.
Agnes was as supportive as ever and encouraged Dave by enquiring 'where the heck are you going to find this scene?'
Dave responded with a confident and defiant answer that would end the line of questioning from Agnes, 'I need to head west' he said. Agnes had predicted that Dave had no idea and replied as quick as a flash with further words of encouragement 'you have no idea, have you Dave?'
With the camera and kit loaded in the car, Dave was ready and set off. Dave drove on the meticulously planned route, westish, towards, well, the west.
Amazingly, 45 minutes later Dave found the perfect location. 300m off the road was the remains of a building. From the road Dave could see that all that remained of the roof were exposed roof timbers and at least one of the external walls looked to be collapsing.
Camera locked and loaded, tripod at the ready, Dave headed up towards the building at the edge of an adjacent field. The only thing separating Dave from this perfect shot was a wall with a single line of barbed wire running along the top.
The light had a soft warm feel, Dave knew he was running out of time. As he approached the building it became clear that there was no gate to enable Dave to align the lens with the building and the descending sun. He chuckled as he thought he was creating his own miniature solar eclipse.
Although Dave had neglected to pack his crampons and ice pick he was confident he could climb this three foot wall. Following a few stretches and one or two deep breaths Dave was ready for the ascent. Dave's athletic-less physique was proving to become a problem. His graceful-less ascent was matched in technique and style with the decent. Fortunately there was only a handful of cows watching. In any case, mission accomplished.
Dave dusted himself down and with full steam ahead shuffled towards the building. The handful of cows had mysteriously turned into a herd and were all facing Dave. With the prize shot just a few metres away he shuffled on.
But, there was one cow that shall be known as Colin, that showed a little too much interest. Maybe he wanted to know what lens Dave was using. Having once trained a budgie to fly to Dave's raised had, he was sure a little cow whispering would ensure this jet black enormous beast that was getting closer would know who was in charge.
As predicted, Colin, who shall be now known as Colin the Beast turned away but gave an enormous moo like William Wallace's cry for Freedom in the film Braveheart.
Dave couldn't believe it. Colin the Beast was rallying the troops. The herd which seemed to be getting bigger in number all started to head in Dave's direction.
As cool as a cucumber Dave gave a little yelp and ran towards the wall. OMG he thought - the wall seems much higher from this side. what made things worse was that Colin the Beast had also started to run at Dave,
Like Colin Jackson approaching the last hurdle in the 110m high hurdle Olympic final Dave grabbed his right leg and hoisted it on to the top of the wall. Colin, the Beast, not Colin the hurdler was getting close. To add to the tension Dave had realised his trousers were attached firmly to the barbed wire.
Just as you hear about people in life threatening situations developing super human strength to lift a car to rescue a loved one, Dave had a similar feeling of which he usually puts down to indigestion, and managed to muster enough strength to bend the barbed wire at least an inch which freed his trousers.
The cows were getting closer and some were on their hind legs. Things were looking critical but amazingly, a split second later Dave found himself on the other side of the wall.... Alive and well. Dave dusted himself down again, looked at Colin the Beast and his friends and said. 'Tomorrow I'm going to have a beef burger'.