Belt or Braces
To protect the identities of the individuals featuring in this true story, I have changed their names.
Dave was woken at 7.30. He had foolishly agreed to take his wife Agnes to work this particular Wednesday morning. Dave had Parkinsons Disease and was slow and cumbersome first thing on a morning. This day was no exception.
Dave managed to muster enough energy to pull the covers back from the most comfortable bed in the world without causing any injury to himself or any one else for that matter. The regret of removing the covers washed over him as did the freezing cold air that was rushing in from an open window which Agnes insisted on keeping 'on the latch' as 'we need fresh air in the room'.
The next almighty challenge was to get his inflexible lifeless body out of bed. Dave tells me this is a tried and tested manoeuvre of which a first time success is less likely than a lotto win. The trick is to position ones self so that you can raise at least one leg and elegantly swing the raised leg down, over the side of the bed which generates enough momentum to launch ones torso into an upright position.
Special forces can cover a great distance undetected using a technique called the Leopard Crawl where the individual lays face down and moves using his elbows and knees to propel himself forward. To get into the starting position Dave used a similar approach affectionately called the Walrus Wriggle. The Walrus Wriggle is probably the most inefficient and energy zapping mode of movement known to mankind. After five minutes of extreme effort it is not unusual to find you remain in exactly the same position.
Somehow, Dave ended up sitting on the edge of the bed looking down on a heap of both clean and dirty clothes. He had been instructed by Agnes to put his washed clothes away but he decided to 'do it tomorrow'.
Dave was running late so he proceeded to grab anything from the floor and began to dress. Boxers already on, Dave reached for his lightweight trousers that were adorned with stylish and practical braces. This is where things went a little wrong. To begin with the braces were only attached by three points and once his legs were in place it was clear that there was something not quite right.